teal.

I met with my doctor in Rexburg yesterday and

Well, there is no graceful or not-awkward way of leading into it, so here goes:

I have endometrioid adenocarcinoma, which is the scientific way of saying I have ovarian cancer. You know how pink supports breast cancer? Well, my cousin did some research, and apparently the color that supports ovarian cancer is teal! I am going to buy me some tights:)

There are many indicators that they caught it early. ( My appendix almost bursting- definitely a blessing). One of the indicators is called a CA 125 test that measures an enzyme in my blood. It showed that there was definitely cancer, but the number was low enough that it is not very far along.

I also had to have an endometriod biopsy done. Basically, they had to take a sample of some cells in my uterus and compare them to the cells from the biopsy of the cyst on my ovary. The biopsy from my uterus came back negative (which is a good thing!) but it has the surgeon stumped. He thought cells from my uterus were moving into my ovary and making everything messed up. Well, now we don't know where the cells are coming from.... Add that to the list of questions to ask my gynecology oncologist on Monday.

Because of the cyst, I will have to have my left ovary removed. And, the specialist will decide if I can keep my right ovary or if I need to have a complete hysterectomy. At this particular point, we cannot tell how far the cancer has spread. Yay for more testing... 

Here is a little bit of humor for you:

"The average age of diagnosis is around 60 years of age. "

Seriously?! I have old lady cancer!  I am currently accepting wheelchairs for Christmas presents. (John already laid dibs on getting me a cane and I said no to walkers- you just can't strut in a walker no matter how hard you try.)If you doubt, even a smidge just refer to below.

           

I am meeting with my specialist on Monday morning here in Salt Lake to figure out a treatment plan, and to see how far it has spread, etc. So, I will probably give yet another update on Monday!

Oh yeah, apparently I have gallstones? I might have my gallbladder taken out in surgery too;)

Things that make Molly happy:]

• Supportive family! A lot of supportive family.
• They caught this super early!
• My gynecology oncologist is freaking.fantastic. 
• My mom is lending me her ipod because I goofed and cant find mine... Music is kind of a big deal in my life
• I am watching the Avengers right now
• The snow looks so pretty on the trees
• Priesthood blessings
• Friends willing to come when necessary to give said blessing
• My patriarchal blessing
• Understanding teachers
• Surprise fleece blanket present with fleece socks... Thanks Jacque!

Things To Stop Doing In Your 20s

Stop placing all the blame on other people for how they interact with you. To an extent, people treat you the way you want to be treated. A lot of social behavior is cause and effect. Take responsibility for (accept) the fact that you are the only constant variable in your equation.

 Stop being lazy by being constantly “busy.” It’s easy to be busy. It justifies never having enough time to clean, cook for yourself, go out with friends, meet new people. Realize that every time you give in to your ‘busyness,’ it’s you who’s making the decision, not the demands of your job.

 Stop trying to get away with work that’s “good enough.” People notice when “good enough” is how you approach your job. Usually these people will be the same who have the power to promote you, offer you a health insurance plan, and give you more money. They will take your approach into consideration when thinking about you for a raise.

 Stop identifying yourself as a cliche and start treating yourself as an individual. It’s sort of like renting your identity. It isn’t you. You are more nuanced than the narrative you try to fit yourself into, more complex than the story that “should” be happening.

 Stop being stingy. If you really care about something, spend your money on it. There is often a notion that you are saving for something. Either clarify what that thing is or start spending your money on things that are important to you. Spend money on road trips. Spend money on healthy food. Spend money on opportunities. Spend money on things you’ll keep.

Stop treating errands as burdens. Instead, use them as time to focus on doing one thing, and doing it right. Errands and chores are essentially rote tasks that allow you time to think. They function to get you away from your phone, the internet, and other distractions. Focus and attention span are difficult things to maintain when you’re focused and attentive on X amount of things at any given moment.

Stop blaming yourself for being human. You’re fine. Having a little anxiety is fine. Being scared is fine. Your secrets are fine. You’re well-meaning. You’re intelligent. You’re blowing it out of proportion. You’re fine.

 Stop ignoring the fact that other people have unique perspectives and positions. Start approaching people more thoughtfully. People will appreciate you for deliberately trying to conceive their own perspective and position in the world. It not only creates a basis for empathy and respect, it also primes people to be more open and generous with you.

 Stop seeking approval so hard. Approach people with the belief that you’re a good person. It’s normal to want the people around you to like you. But it becomes a self-imposed burden when almost all your behavior toward certain people is designed to constantly reassure you of their approval.

Stop considering the same things you’ve always done as the only options there are. Fear of missing out is a real, toxic thing. You’ve experimented enough.  Figure something else out.

Stop rejecting the potential to feel pain. Suffering is a universal constant for sentient beings. It is not unnatural to suffer. Being in a constant state of suffering is bad. But it is often hard to appreciate happiness when there’s nothing to compare it to. Rejecting the potential to suffer is unsustainable and unrealistic.

Stop approaching adverse situations with anger and frustration. You will always deal with people who want things that seem counter to your interests. There will always be people who threaten to prevent you from getting what you want by trying to get what they want. This is naturally frustrating. Realize that the person you’re dealing with is in the same position as you — by seeking out your own interests, you threaten to thwart theirs. It isn’t personal — you’re both just focused on getting different things that happen to seem mutually exclusive. Approach situations like these with reason. Be calm. Don’t start off mad, it’ll only make things more tense.

Stop meeting anger with anger. People will make you mad. Your reaction to this might be to try and make them mad. This is something of a first-order reaction. That is, it isn’t very thoughtful — it may be the first thing you’re inclined to do. Try to suppress this reaction. Be thoughtful. Imagine your response said aloud before you say it. If you don’t have to respond immediately, don’t.

Stop agreeing to do things that you know you’ll never actually do. It doesn’t help anyone. To a certain extent, it’s a social norm to be granted a ‘free pass’ when you don’t do something for someone that you said you were going to do. People notice when you don’t follow through, though, especially if it’s above 50% of the time.

 Stop ‘buying’ things you know you’ll throw away. Invest in friendships that aren’t parasitic. Spend your time on things that aren’t distractions. Put your stock in fleeting opportunity. Focus on the important.

Stop being afraid.

Alright friends!

I am meeting with a doctor tomorrow and then with a specialist on Monday November 12. When I finally figure out exactly what I am dealing with, I will let you all know! Thanks for the support:)

In the midst of winter, I found there was within in me an invincible summer

Life's Little Instructions

(Molly's improved list from H. Jackson Brown Jr.)

Sing in the shower.

Watch a sunrise at least once a year.

Never refuse homemade brownies.

Learn to drive a stick-shift car.
Strive for excellence, not perfection.
Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
Compliment 3 people every day.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Leave everything a little better than you found it.
Keep it simple.
Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Floss your teeth.
Overtip breakfast waitresses.
Be forgiving of yourself and others.
Say, "Please" and  “Thank you” a lot.
Avoid negative people.
Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.
Remember other people’s birthdays.
Commit yourself to constant improvement.
Carry jumper cables in your truck.
Have a firm handshake.
Send lots of Valentine cards.
Sign them, “Someone who thinks you’re terrific.”
Look people in the eye.

Call your mom

Be the first to say hello.
Return all things you borrow.
Make new friends, but cherish the old ones.
Keep a few secrets.
Plant flowers every spring.
Always accept an outstretched hand.
Stop blaming others.
Take responsibility for every area of your life.
Wave at kids on school buses.
Be there when people need you.
Feed a stranger’s expired parking meter.
Don’t expect life to be fair.
Never underestimate the power of love.
Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation.

Don’t be afraid to say, “I made a mistake.” or "I don't know"
Compliment even small improvements.
Keep your promises no matter what.
Marry for love.
Rekindle old friendships.
Count your blessings.

Testing

This week has been one of those weeks. But, all the yucky stuff is over, so it's basically like it's Friday!  

You know when you have been poked a lot when you can tell the nurse what veins work and which ones do not! Or when you have a favorite spot to be poked... Mine is my left hand:) I have a big fatty vein right there, where as  the veins in my arms are kind of pathetic and hard to find. The picture does NOT do it justice, but I got a big ol' bruise on my right hand from the mean lady from radiology when I got a CT scan. 

But wait... I am getting way ahead of myself. On Monday while I was in class Dr. Hansen called me to tell me I needed to have my testing done that afternoon. So, after class was over, two of my roommates (Jessica and Ashley) drove me around for several hours as I was shuttled from office to  office. I went to see Dr. Hansen and he said I was healing very well from my appendectomy. Then I went to Madison Memorial Hospital and drank contrast. They tried to disguise it with grape juice, but it only tainted grape juice for me. For those of you who don't know what contrast tastes like, thank your lucky stars. I thought it was bad when I was little and we had to eat beets. I would eat a whole jar of beets 5x over instead of drinking contrast. Anyways, I finally got back to the radiology department and changed into a gown. Mean nurse lady drew lots and lots of blood before feeding me some more contrast through the IV. She had some fun digging the needle around in there, and voila. Gigantic bruise seen above. The CT scan wasn't too long. I just had to lay on my back and this huge machine just kept moving me back and forth. The machine told me when to breathe and when to hold my breath. 

This morning I had to go see an OBGYN and had an endometrial biopsy done. Not an experience I care to relive. However, the nice nurse lady (from here on NNL) gave me some medicine to make me sleepy and relax my muscles so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was very much aware of my surroundings, but my doctors were really nice and tried to be as gentle as possible.When they finally got the sample, the NNL gave me goldfish and some water. My legs were rather jelly like, so NNL and Jess helped me out to the car so I didn't fall.  And then I went to sleep off the medicine. 

So now, all the testing is finally done! I meet with Dr. Hansen in a 1.5 weeks to be officially diagnosed with something. Mumsy is going to come down to help me make some big decisions. After my appointment on Friday, I am going to drive down to Utah with my mom and meet with a specialist in Salt Lake City. 

So, to sum it all up I don't know too much yet. But, answers are coming soon! 

Meanwhile, this weekend I am going to play at my sister's house in Utah where I am not known as the possible cancer kid:) Call of Duty with popcorn and shopping-here I come with open arms!

things that make me happy:]

• colored goldfish
• jane sent me a present in the mail!! its even wrapped
• tv show FRIENDS- it brings out my belly laugh "either he goes, or i'm buying a coyote"
• mashed potatoes- one of the few foods that my stomach can keep down right now
• ibuprofen
• roommates 
• FAMILY [<3]
• Mumford and Sons album
• sleep. sleep is goooood

THE STORY

Hello everybody!
It has been a long time since I have blogged.  Once you go a little while without doing it, it is kind of hard to get motivated to get back into the swing of things.

My aunt Taunie got me motivated to get back into the swing of things.

THE STORY:
October 18 I woke up feeling really pathetic and sick. I call my mom reallll early in the morning and   was panicking a bit. She told me to go to the health center on campus. I called and made an appointment for after my classes that day (12:30). Big mistake waiting so long. I started throwing up at 10. I somehow made it to my appt and said I was going to throw up on the nurse' shoes. That whipped her into a frenzy. The doctor tried touching my tummy but I pushed him away. So, I got poked a few times and then they finally found my veins. Normal white cell count is 9 or 10 thousand. Mine was 16 thousand... So, they drove me to the surgeon's office (Dr. Dwayne Hansen is the best surgeon in Rexburg, I fully recommend him!) He looked at me and decided we needed to have emergency surgery. I didn't have a car and I also wasn't really in any condition to drive so his son drove me to the hospital. This was about 3:30 and I was SO ready for pain medicine as well as anti-nausea medicine.... I wasn't exactly the pleasurable person at that time of day. They gave me drugs around 4:30 and I don't remember too much after that. I had surgery that night around 6 pm to remove my appendix. The overall hospital experience was not bad at all. Everyone was friendly and I was taken care of very well. 
I didn't tell very many people that I had to go to the hospital. Partly because I hate being the center of attention and it all happened so fast. But I did tell my roommate so she wouldn't worry when I didn't come home that night. 


So, I had some surprise mixed in with my grogginess when the nurse told me I had a herd of people in my room waiting to see me. Turns out they had been waiting for hours to see how I was doing. THAT is how freakin' awesome my roommates are. And, they bought me beautiful yellow flowers along with chocolate. And they drew distracting pictures on my whiteboard. (sure the nurses loved me haha)
Along with my roommates were a few friends from the ward and my home teachers. Bless them, they met me for the first time in the hospital bed all pasty white and drooling from the medicine. AND they still talk to me!

After everyone left, the night time nurse hooked me up with this gigantour tv that had netflix AND hulu plus AND xbox. It almost made up for my neighbor screaming like a banshee all.night.long.

After drinking my weight in broth and grape juice, I was stoked when Dr. Hansen took me off the clear liquid diet the next day. My aunt Taunie and cousin Linzie strolled in while I was watching Warrior with my sweetest friend ever, Tori. (She hooked me up with the good stuff: chocolate ice cream). They hung out and kept me company while my mom drove down from Spokane.  When my mom showed up she dealt with all the paperwork. So glad. ( Even though I am almost 21, I do not feel old enough to fill out hospital papers for myself.)

Before we left the hospital, Dr. Hansen told us about a large cyst they found on my ovary while they were digging around in there. He cut off a wall and drained 1.5 liters of liquid. Grossssss. The cyst shrank down after he cut it, but he sent a sample to the pathologist just in case. Good thing he did too. Something is wrong with me.

We do not know if it is cancer yet. This week I have gone through some testing, and I am doing some more tomorrow. We should know next Monday.


Like most people would be, I am scared of what the future holds for me in the next six months. Even if I don't have cancer, I still need to be treated for something. However, I know that everything will be okay in the end. In the last week I have prayed harder than probably any other time in my life. I have a great support system which includes my immediate as well as extended family and my amazing friends here in Rexburg.



things i am grateful for :]

• my braces are off!!! 
• my mom brought my snowboarding jacket with her. after all, I am living in Rexburrrrrrrg.
• my roommates- they are my family for right now
• awesome home teachers
• excellent doctors 
• modern medicine and technology
• my comfy bed and pillows- i have spent some serious time on both of these
• the girls in my Ed Psychology class 
• my body is healing rather well from my appendectomy 
• Hot showers. probably my favorite part of the day
• my hair is growing out... i know it's shallow but i am so excited

Life begins at your comfort zone

So... this pretty much sums up me right now.

I love reading- it basically my most favoritest thing in the world. What makes that better? Oh, doing it outside:) I love being out in the sun- you just feel warm, with not a care in the world (at the moment)

I am also just a big old fashioned girl at heart, I hate is when a woman acts like she is dumb just go get a guy's attention (so annoying!) or thinks that getting married is just going to solve all her problems. But, I am a sucker for when a guy opens the door for me, and I like to dress so that guys can use their imagination, at least a little bit;) Not quite sure what that makes me...

Life begins at your comfort zone: how true that is. This semester I have not made a whole lot of headway with the whole talking-to-people-even-though-I-don't-wanna thing, but I have made headway on doing scary things. I have become a bit of a junkie for jumping off things?

Bonfires? Yeah, they're awesome. As previously stated, I love being warm and a fire helps out with that :) And, the smell just reminds me of my childhood and of my dad. Every girl has a soft spot in her heart for her daddy right?

Last weekend I went to the lake with some friends and tried jumping off a rope swing for the first time.I am proud to say I did it three times! (It takes a surprisingly lot of strength to hurl your body off a log quickly)  I may or may not have biffed it the first time. I fell off the rope with style and barreled into the lake. The lake was so gorgeous! But it was still really cold- apparently I ran into the lake Baywatch style... major awkward. I wasn't trying out, I promise. Basically I just love being outside. Plain and simple.

THINGS THAT MAKE MOLLY HAPPY:]

• I got a lot of homework done today! Yay for being productive
• Tori burned me the new Maroon 5 CD and, I love it!
• Air conditioning, yep its pretty rad
• I get to go home for July 4th! (best holiday after Christmas, hands down)
• Reading on my kindle I have been trying to watch less tv and read more.
• My legs hurt from running. A good kind of hurt
• I didn't wake up once last night while sleeping!
• I made the guilt free alfredo sauce for dinner and it was freaking fantastic
• The semester countdown has begun! Less than a month